Dr Saliha Afridi, Clinical Psychologist and Director of The Lighthouse Arabia discusses tactics when you are in a toxic work relationship with your boss
When asked ‘how do I deal with a bully boss or manager’, most people will say the obvious: speak up, assert yourself, talk to an HR manager, and draw boundaries.
What people rarely talk about is how hard it is to speak up when you are afraid you might lose your job or when there is a seriously hierarchical culture in your company. If you were raised to not ‘speak up or speak out’, or you might actually not know what your boundaries are because you have been raised to oblige or not make waves, this becomes a seemingly impossible task.
It can trigger a lot of shame and guilt in people to get the same advice about the topic repeated by everyone everywhere. In these instances, you are not only dealing with the bully boss but also your own inner bully who spews out shaming thoughts like, “what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I defend myself? Why can’t I just draw boundaries like everyone else?”
Instead of shaming yourself for not being able to stand up to the bully boss, take a step back and see what is getting in the way of you showing up for yourself and what is it that you can learn about yourself from this experience.
1. Identify what is getting in the way of you speaking up. There is obviously something holding you back. Is it a skill issue about learning how to communicate assertively or is a deeper belief that you need to confront about not challenging authority? Have you tried before but were dismissed for being too emotional or reprimanded for not being a team player? Is it because the last time someone spoke up about the bullying they were fired? Identify why is it that something inside you keeps holding you back from speaking up, this will help loosening the grip of shame.
2. Learn about the company culture and available resources. Not all companies have policies or support for bullying or harassment. Some cultures are actually quite toxic and hierarchical. It would not be wise to speak up in a culture that promotes authority and/or is led by an authoritarian leader. However, other companies have very strong policies and anonymous feedback channels whereby you can share your experience without the threat of you feeling like you will get singled out.
3. Identify what you can personally learn from this experience. Regardless of what you decide to do, there is something you can learn about yourself through this experience. You might learn about your triggers, or about how deeply ingrained some of your childhood messaging is about respecting authority or not speaking back to people in power. You might learn that you actually need to learn some skills around assertiveness and it is not something that you are born with, but actually something you have to learn. You might learn that the bully boss is bringing forth a lot of your childhood traumas about feeling helpless around playground bullies or the sense of powerlessness you felt as you were reprimanded by a harsh parent.
4. Plan an exit strategy. If the work environment is toxic you will probably be in a state of fight or flight before the start of each week. The constant flow of adrenaline and cortisol in your system is going to result in serious damage to your mental and physical health. Instead, start preparing for your exit by either working on your CV, looking for jobs, or taking courses to solidify your resumé. The exit might not be immediate, but knowing that you are working on a plan to leave is going to feel empowering and give you some relief.
5. Find ways to get support outside of your company. Sometimes our whole life can get taken over by our workplace or a few toxic colleagues. We obsess about them, their wrongdoings, and our rights that feel stripped away from us. Ruminating about such situations or people does not help your mind or body and can result in eventual burnout. Instead, find your tribe and be around people who see the good in you and are your supporters. When you are with your tribe, don’t spend all the time reliving your workday, instead be fully present and enjoy the time you are together. Positive social relationships are the number one mitigator of stress and the most significant indicator of happiness.
Dr Saliha Afridi is a clinical psychologist and director of The Lighthouse Arabia
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By ITP
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What to do when your boss is a bully
Dr Saliha Afridi discusses tactics when you are in a toxic work relationship with your manager
Dr Saliha Afridi, Clinical Psychologist and Director of The Lighthouse Arabia discusses tactics when you are in a toxic work relationship with your boss
When asked ‘how do I deal with a bully boss or manager’, most people will say the obvious: speak up, assert yourself, talk to an HR manager, and draw boundaries.
What people rarely talk about is how hard it is to speak up when you are afraid you might lose your job or when there is a seriously hierarchical culture in your company. If you were raised to not ‘speak up or speak out’, or you might actually not know what your boundaries are because you have been raised to oblige or not make waves, this becomes a seemingly impossible task.
It can trigger a lot of shame and guilt in people to get the same advice about the topic repeated by everyone everywhere. In these instances, you are not only dealing with the bully boss but also your own inner bully who spews out shaming thoughts like, “what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I defend myself? Why can’t I just draw boundaries like everyone else?”
Instead of shaming yourself for not being able to stand up to the bully boss, take a step back and see what is getting in the way of you showing up for yourself and what is it that you can learn about yourself from this experience.
1. Identify what is getting in the way of you speaking up. There is obviously something holding you back. Is it a skill issue about learning how to communicate assertively or is a deeper belief that you need to confront about not challenging authority? Have you tried before but were dismissed for being too emotional or reprimanded for not being a team player? Is it because the last time someone spoke up about the bullying they were fired? Identify why is it that something inside you keeps holding you back from speaking up, this will help loosening the grip of shame.
2. Learn about the company culture and available resources. Not all companies have policies or support for bullying or harassment. Some cultures are actually quite toxic and hierarchical. It would not be wise to speak up in a culture that promotes authority and/or is led by an authoritarian leader. However, other companies have very strong policies and anonymous feedback channels whereby you can share your experience without the threat of you feeling like you will get singled out.
3. Identify what you can personally learn from this experience. Regardless of what you decide to do, there is something you can learn about yourself through this experience. You might learn about your triggers, or about how deeply ingrained some of your childhood messaging is about respecting authority or not speaking back to people in power. You might learn that you actually need to learn some skills around assertiveness and it is not something that you are born with, but actually something you have to learn. You might learn that the bully boss is bringing forth a lot of your childhood traumas about feeling helpless around playground bullies or the sense of powerlessness you felt as you were reprimanded by a harsh parent.
4. Plan an exit strategy. If the work environment is toxic you will probably be in a state of fight or flight before the start of each week. The constant flow of adrenaline and cortisol in your system is going to result in serious damage to your mental and physical health. Instead, start preparing for your exit by either working on your CV, looking for jobs, or taking courses to solidify your resumé. The exit might not be immediate, but knowing that you are working on a plan to leave is going to feel empowering and give you some relief.
5. Find ways to get support outside of your company. Sometimes our whole life can get taken over by our workplace or a few toxic colleagues. We obsess about them, their wrongdoings, and our rights that feel stripped away from us. Ruminating about such situations or people does not help your mind or body and can result in eventual burnout. Instead, find your tribe and be around people who see the good in you and are your supporters. When you are with your tribe, don’t spend all the time reliving your workday, instead be fully present and enjoy the time you are together. Positive social relationships are the number one mitigator of stress and the most significant indicator of happiness.
Dr Saliha Afridi is a clinical psychologist and director of The Lighthouse Arabia
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